Relational Development: The Dark Side of Communication (An Essay)

For Educators

Relational Development Challenges: Dark Side of Communication

There are multiple aspects and components to interpersonal communication. It is a complex form of exchanging information that involves verbal, non-verbal, and cultural cues. However, interpersonal communication also contains a dark side that can lead to detrimental outcomes. This essay will explore defensiveness as a dark side of communication and conflict, how it is experienced in family and romantic relationships, and a comparison of these challenges with Christian Worldview explanations.

Part I. Dark side of Communication: Defensiveness

               Understanding the dark sides of communication is the first step in preventing them. Defensiveness is a dark side of communication that is often triggered when someone feels threatened, insulted, or criticized. It is a reaction to a perceived attack on our self-concept or self-esteem. Defensive communication can escalate conflicts and prevent resolution, as it often involves counterattacks or withdrawal. It is a bad habit for a defense mechanism to hurt feeling, shame, sadness or anger (Cuncic, 2024). Defensiveness is a common reaction but can be detrimental to familial and romantic relationships if not addressed properly.

               Some ways a person may show this dark side of communication is through backlash, sarcasm, silent treatment, or returning criticism (Becker et.al., 2008). According to The Creation of Defensiveness in Social Interaction II: A Model of Defensive Communication among Romantic Couples by Becker, Ellevold, & Stamp, in 2008, it can also involve blaming the other person, and neglect of the situation. Their investigation also highlights that high emotional sensitivity results in feelings of hurtfulness or personal attack and usually resulted from perceived lack of consideration or empathy. Their investigation found that most of their case studies “used relational repair strategies such as meta-communication (directly communicating about the episode for conflict resolution), apologetic communication, partner-centered preventative communication, and avoidance as a resolution” (Becker et.al., 2008).

               Some steps to prevent detrimental defensiveness and break the cycle include gaining awareness, understanding where it comes from, actively listening, taking responsibility, and being honest. Dismantling our emotional defense mechanism is a conscious and arduous process that takes persistence and resilience. Start by recognizing defensive mechanisms and understanding that the behavior often stems from the need to protect oneself rather than openly and actively listening to others (Kim, 2024). Once the defense mechanism is recognized, identify specific triggers such as past experiences, personal insecurities, or possible emotional or physical threats. The best way to analyze a defensive response is by taking a pause and allowing oneself to analyze the appropriateness of a response. Kim (cited above) also suggests that practicing active listening and trying to understand the other person’s perspective without interrupting them with an explosive reaction can help defuse the tension and disarm defensive mechanisms (Kim, 2024). Lastly, being honest and recognizing that you have made a mistake shows growth, maturity, and accountability.

Overcoming defensive communication is a process that takes time, patience, and constant self-reflection, mainly achieved through active listening. McCornack and Steven explain that during the listening process there are many outside factors that hinder our ability to pay attention and disrupt our ability to receive in Reflect & relate 6th ed. (2022). For example, noise pollution, multitasking, and unrelated thoughts impact our ability to actively listen by distracting us mainly. To be an active listener and receive properly we must avoid the use of technological devices, multitasking, and must ignore those unrelated thoughts. Eye contact and body language are good ways to let the other person know that you are paying attention but, to let someone know you understand or are trying to understand you must ask questions, paraphrase to let them know you are following along, and give feedback. The feedback you receive depends on the listening style of the person you are talking to; the book (Reflect & relate 6th ed.) describes 4 different listening styles. These styles are task-oriented, relational, critical, and analytical listening, they show how we process information and what type of information we pay the most attention to. For example, task-oriented listeners enjoy direct and straight to the point communication that they can focus and do something about, don't get caught up in telling a task-oriented listener the entire background story or they will get impatient. Relational listeners view communication as a form to create and maintain relationships, they are empathetic and tend to have higher emotional intelligence. Critical thinkers focus on the accuracy and consistency of the information while analytical listeners consider all the factors and provide feedback once all the options have been weighted. Our listening styles can also vary depending on setting, people, and situation.

Part II. How challenges are experienced in familial and romantic relationships

               Defensive communication is a common challenge in familial relationships, often triggered when an individual perceives a threat or criticism (Zhang et. al., 2024). It can manifest in the same ways as described above: snapping back, sarcasm, or blaming others. For some people it provides short-term relief but consequentially creates a vicious cycle of bad habits that are detrimental to relationships in the long run. Similar dynamics and outcomes are seen in romantic relationships, such as the research discussed of Defensiveness in Social Interaction II: A Model of Defensive Communication among Romantic Couples by Becker, Ellevold, & Stamp, in 2008.

Families are challenged by different cultural expectations, relationship dynamics, and societal changes (Hunter and west, 2015). Research conducted in 1973 by James Alexander on Defensive and Supportive Communications in Family Systems shows that the patterns of defensiveness and supportiveness of parents towards their children can influence the child’s tendency to act aggressively in another interpersonal context. In this way, defensive communication within the family can have far-reaching effects, influencing not only the immediate family dynamic but also the child’s future interactions and relationships (Alexander, 1973). Family is the fundamental structure of every society, providing individuals with a sense of belonging, economic support, nurturance, education, and socialization. However, when defensive communication patterns emerge within this fundamental structure, it can disrupt the emotional connections, communication patterns, and coping mechanisms that are pivotal to the well-being of individual family members. Moreover, this type of communication can disproportionately turn small arguments into sources of distress that escalate situations and damage family relationships unnecessarily.

               Similarly, romantic relationships can be severely impacted by excessive defensive communication. A 2012 study on Romantic communication in intimate relationships: The romantic construal model by Estrada states that romantic relationships represent the apotheosis of love and belongingness for many people, and the communication of affection should be especially important in this context. It elaborates that when defensive communication patterns emerge within this fundamental structure, it can disrupt the emotional connections, communication patterns, and coping mechanisms that are pivotal to the well-being of individual partners (Estrada,2012).  

               Overcoming defensive communication in romantic and familial relationships requires self-awareness, understanding, and effective communication strategies. Like the steps described above, partners and family members need to recognize when they’re being defensive, understand why they’re being defensive, and learn to respond in a more open and understanding manner. By promoting open, honest, and respectful communication, couples can work towards healthier, more positive familial and romantic relationships.

Part III. Comparison of interpersonal theoretical explanations of defensiveness challenges with Christian worldview explanations.

               Interpersonal theories and the Christian worldview offer different perspectives on the challenges of romantic and familial relationships caused by defensiveness. Interpersonal theories focus on the dynamics of communication and interaction within relationships. Multiple sources suggest that defensiveness in romantic and familial relationships often arises from poor communication patterns, power imbalances, and unresolved conflicts.

               For instance, the Family Communication Patterns (FCP) theory and Dyadic Power Theory emphasize the importance of the quality of communication or co-parenting in the family system (Arias and Carter, 2017). Defensiveness can emerge when there is a lack of open and honest communication, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts. Similarly, “the Systems Perspective takes an interactional view of relationship maintenance, focusing on repeated and interdependent dealings” (Dainton and Zelley, 2019). Defensiveness can be seen as a response to perceived threats to the stability of these interactions.

From the Christian perspective, defensiveness in relationships gives people a chance to reflect, grow, and come to a mutual understanding. Christianity encourages conflicts resolution through the principles of forgiveness, understanding, and love, following the teachings of Christ. The Christian worldview also encourages and emphasizes the importance of humility, patience, and unity in love for both types of relationships. Christian teachings also encourage responding with grace and understanding, to seek reconciliation over retaliation (in this case, defensiveness).

Both interpersonal theories and the Christian worldview acknowledge the role of defensiveness in relationship conflicts. However, while interpersonal theories often focus on the psychological mechanisms behind defensiveness, the Christian worldview emphasizes the spiritual aspects of conflict resolution, such as forgiveness and love. Both perspectives highlight the importance of open communication, understanding, and empathy in overcoming defensiveness.

Overall, defensiveness is a common challenge in both familial and romantic relationships. While interpersonal theories provide valuable insights into the psychological mechanisms behind defensiveness, the Christian worldview offers a spiritual perspective on conflict resolution. By integrating these perspectives, individuals can gain a more comprehensive understanding of defensiveness and develop more effective strategies for overcoming it in their relationships.

Conclusion

In summary, defensiveness is a significant dark side of interpersonal communication that can severely impact family and romantic relationships. It often arises from feelings of threat or criticism and manifests through behaviors like backlash, sarcasm, and silent treatment. Addressing defensiveness requires awareness, understanding its origins, active listening, and taking responsibility for one’s actions. By dismantling these defensive mechanisms, individuals can foster healthier and more constructive communication patterns. Comparing these challenges with a Christian Worldview highlights the importance of empathy, forgiveness, and honest communication in overcoming defensiveness and building stronger, more resilient relationships. Through persistent effort and self-reflection, it is possible to transform defensive behaviors into opportunities for growth and connection.

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References

Alexander, J. F. (1973). Defensive and Supportive Communications in Family Systems. Journal of Marriage and Family, 35(4), 613–617. https://doi.org/10.2307/350873

Estrada, M.-J. (2012). Romantic communication in intimate relationships: The romantic construal model. In M. A. Paludi (Ed.), The psychology of love (pp. 125–139). Praeger/ABC-CLIO. 

Arias, V., & Punyanunt-Carter, N.  (2017, August 22). Family, Culture, and Communication. Oxford Research Encyclopedia of Communication. Retrieved 30 Jun. 2024, from https://oxfordre.com/communication/view/10.1093/acrefore/9780190228613.001.0001/acrefore-9780190228613-e-504.

Becker, J. A., Ellevold, B., & Stamp, G. H. (2008). The creation of defensiveness in social interaction II: a model of defensive communication among romantic couples. Communication Monographs, (1), 86. 

Cunic A. (2024). What Is Defensiveness? Very Well Mind. Retrieved from: https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-defensiveness-5115075

Dainton M. and Zelley, E.D. Applying Communication Theory for Professional Life: A Practical Introduction (4th ed.). SAGE Publications. https://www.sagepub.com/sites/default/files/upm-binaries/4984_Dainton_Chapter_3.pdf

Kim, J. (2024). How to Stop Getting Defensive About Everything. Psychology Today. Retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-angry-therapist/202402/how-to-stop-getting-defensive-about-everything

MCCORNACK, , & STEVEN, . (2022). Reflect & relate (6th ed.). Macmillan US.

Turner, L.H. and West, R. (2017). Chapter 1: The Challenge of Defining 'Family'. Sage Publications. Retrieved from: https://www.sagepub.com/sites/default/files/upm-binaries/60315_Chapter_1.pdf

Whieldon, L. (2023). Identifying and Overcoming Defensive Communication in Relationships. Reconnect Counseling. Retrieved From: https://www.reconnectcounseling.com/identifying-and-overcoming-defensive-communication-in-relationships/

Zhang, Y., Hu, Y. & Yang, M. The relationship between family communication and family resilience in Chinese parents of depressed adolescents: a serial multiple mediation of social support and psychological resilience. BMC Psychol 12, 33 (2024). https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-023-01514-7