What Makes a Good Relationship?

For everyone

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Have you ever wondered what makes a relationship 'good'? It might seem pretty simple and straightforward but I found some explanations I wanted to share. Now, before you start reading, how would you fill in this blank:

If people only knew _________, then they would have ___________ relationships.

This is how I answered it:

If people only knew emotional intelligence, then they would have enduring and good romantic relationships.

What is emotional intelligence?

            Emotional Intelligence is defined as “the ability to interpret emotions accurately and to use this information to manage emotions, communicate them competently, and solve relationship problems (Gross & John, 2002)” by McCornack and Morrison in Reflect and Relate 6th ed. It’s not just about understanding emotions but using that knowledge to improve personal and interpersonal activities. This can lead to the development of stronger and more fulfilling romantic relationships. Emotional intelligence has five major components: self-awareness or self-consciousness is the ability to recognize and understand your own emotions, which is crucial for self-regulation. For example, recognizing stresses before an important meeting and understanding how it might affect performance is being self-aware. Self-regulation involves the ability to manage your emotions, especially in stressful situations. Instead of reacting impulsively, individuals with high emotional intelligence can control their reactions and respond in a more thoughtful manner.

People with high emotional intelligence are also self-motivated. They’re not driven solely by money or recognition but have a passion to fulfill their own inner needs and goals. They’re willing to defer immediate results for long-term success. It can be as simple as setting personal goals for self-improvement and working towards them, even when faced with obstacles. Empathy is perhaps one of the most important elements of emotional intelligence, it allows you to identify with and understand the wants, needs of other people. Lastly, Individuals with strong social skills are typically team players. “They can communicate effectively, manage disputes, are excellent listeners, and are masters at building and maintaining relationships” (Sabkota et al, 2023).

By understanding and applying these elements, individuals can improve their emotional intelligence, leading to more successful and satisfying interpersonal relationships. This is particularly beneficial in the context of romantic relationships, where understanding and managing emotions are key to maintaining a strong, healthy connection. A meta-analysis of 2014 included six studies with a total of 603 participants to examine the correlation between emotional intelligence and relationship satisfaction by Malouff, Schutte, and Thorsteinsson. This case study found a positive correlation between relationship satisfaction and emotional intelligence. Implying that individuals with high emotional intelligence can contribute to as well as receive more satisfaction from a romantic relationship.

Emotional Intelligence in Romantic settings

Being able to recognize and manage one’s own emotions in a romantic relationship is beneficial for emotional bonding and contributes to the development of self-concept. (Gomez-Lopez et al, 2019). Effective emotional management in a relationship results in increased satisfaction and promotes physical as well as emotional well-being of both partners. According to the article Emotional Intelligence, Attachment and Satisfaction with Romantic Relationships among Young Adults: A Brief Report by Zysberg and others, maintaining and adjusting to a romantic relationship is not always an easy task, it requires significant adaptation, adjustments, and coping with various challenges in the interpersonal and emotional domains. Adaptation and coping in romantic relationships involve the ability to adjust and manage these various challenges in the emotional and interpersonal domains. Some of those include past experiences with romantic partners on both parts, attachment representations that come from family influences, and the transition from parents to peers and romantic partners. In these transitions and realms of emotional and interpersonal interactions emotional intelligence and regulation become crucial.

Some strategies couples can use to increase their emotional intelligence for a more fulfilling relationship include active listening, understanding their own emotions (self-reflection), empathy, and stress management. The ability to recognize emotions is something that both partners must practice through active listening and observation of non-verbal communication (Gilar-Corbi et al, 2019). Relational listening, task-oriented listening, critical listening, and analytical listening are the four main styles according to McCornack and Morrison in Reflect and Relate 6th ed. Our listening styles can also vary depending on setting, people, and situation. This is where partners must self-reflect to better understand their self- concept, and how they listen to their partner. Self-concept plays a big role in how people express themselves, seeking regular feedback and understanding the root of personal difficulties increases awareness and response to stressful emotions and situations. A part of listening is to practice empathy by trying to understand your partner, their self-concept, and their thought process. Additional to these strategies, effectively managing stress to remain calm in difficult situations helps the listening process and creates a supportive environment where partners feel comfortable sharing their emotions.  Emotional intelligence is an acquired skill that requires consistent practice and commitment from oneself.

Let's fill in the blank a little bit differently now:

If people only knew about active listening, then they would have enduringly good family relationships

Emotional Intelligence in Familial Settings

Like in many relationships, active listening plays a crucial role in good family relationships. Listening has many components and purposes; it is a skill that promotes understanding and models good behavior for children. Effective listening has five stages, five main functions, and four listening styles that vary according to person, setting, and situation (McCornack and Morrison, 2022). It is an opportunity to cultivate and maintain satisfying connections with those closest to us. Families that practice active listening in their daily lives help their children express themselves appropriately and decrease chances of misunderstandings and arguments.

The listening process begins with receiving information from others and our environment which involves intentional focus and attention (Coleman et al, 2000). After the message is received, the brain begins to attach meanings to the words based on past experiences and knowledge. The next step is storing the information in our memory for future refence. In step number four the brain evaluates the information received and creates opinions about it and the source of the information. The final stage is giving feedback, which can be verbal as well as non-verbal. These five stages happen so quickly they may overlap, and we have no clue all this is happening in the middle of a conversation. Which can lead to passive listening, which is not entirely bad but does not acknowledge the other person’s thoughts, emotions, and feelings as well as active listening.

Some key differences between passive listening and active listening are the level of engagement, quality of feedback, quality of communication, and different non-verbal cues. Active listening consciously focuses on the message being received; it is an interactive process that analyzes the words, meanings, and thoughts of the other person. Active listeners also show their engagement through facial expressions and body language, while passive listeners tend to be distracted or not show any physical reactions (Viezzer, 2023). Reacting to what the other person is saying promotes two-way communication that can lead to deeper understanding of the concepts and ideas being discussed. Meanwhile, passive listening often results in superficial interactions with minimal responses. Passive listening gives way for many misunderstandings and misinterpretations that are detrimental for maintaining family relationships.

Listening has five main functions: comprehension, discerning, analyzing, responding, and remembering. Imagine you’re a student in a lecture. The professor is explaining a complex concept. You’re focused, taking notes, and asking clarifying questions to ensure you understand the material. In this case you would be listening to comprehend what the professor is saying, it is about actively processing and seeking to understand the meaning and intent behind words (Cunic, 2024). The second function is for distinguishing sounds such as changes in tone, body language, and facial expressions to discern the meaning of the information being received. Listening can also be used for analyzing and assessing information to create an opinion or judgment. Consider a situation where you’re listening to a political debate; you’re not just passively taking in the information, but actively analyzing the arguments, checking for logical consistency, and evaluating the evidence presented. A fourth purpose of listening is for responding and providing feedback, which can be verbal or non-verbal such as nodding or shrugging. Lastly, it is used to store information for future reference such as the birthday of a friend, an important meeting, or an event you’d like to attend.

Our listening styles depend on our focus and intention. McCornack and Morrison explain 4 different styles in Reflect and Relate 6th Ed. Task-oriented listeners enjoy direct and straight to the point communication that they can focus and do something about. For example, asking questions that clarify your responsibilities while in a team meeting with your manager makes you a task-oriented listener. Relational listeners view communication as a form to create and maintain relationships, such as providing emotional support to a friend who is going through a rough time.  Critical thinkers focus on the accuracy and consistency of the information such as looking for faults in an argument or unsupported claims in a debate. Analytical listeners consider all the factors and provide feedback once all the options have been weighted.

In conclusion, active listening fosters understanding and effective communication significantly enhancing family relationships by creating stronger and healthier bonds. By actively engaging in conversations, providing thoughtful responses, and showing genuine interest in what family members are saying, we can create an environment of trust and respect. Listening Styles vary on the focus of the person, the setting, and the purpose for listening. Understanding these styles can help us adapt our listening approach based on the context and the person we are communicating with. For instance, being a relational listener can help us provide emotional support to a family member, while being an analytical listener can help us understand complex issues discussed within the family. Moreover, understanding the stages of listening - receiving, understanding, remembering, evaluating, and responding - can help us become better listeners. Each stage is crucial in ensuring that we fully grasp the message, remember it, evaluate it critically, and respond appropriately. By mastering these skills, we can improve our interactions with family members, leading to more meaningful and fulfilling relationships.

References

Coleman, L., King, T., & Turner, W. (2000). Five stages of listening. In J. A. DeVito

(Ed.), Communication in the Real World. Retrieved from:

https://socialsci.libretexts.org/Courses/Southwest_Tennessee_Community_College/Comp etent_Communication/05%3A_Listening/5.02%3A_Stages_of_Listening

Cunic, A. (2024). 7 Active Listening Techniques for Better Communication. Verywell Mind.

Retrieved from: https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-active-listening-3024343

Gilar-Corbi R, Pozo-Rico T, Sánchez B, Castejón J-L (2019) Can emotional intelligence be

improved? A randomized experimental study of a business-oriented EI training program for senior managers. PLoS ONE 14(10): e0224254.

Gómez-López, M.; Viejo, C.; Ortega-Ruiz, R. (2019). Well-Being and Romantic Relationships:

A Systematic Review in Adolescence and Emerging Adulthood. Int. J. Environ. Res. Public Health, 16, 2415. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph16132415

McCornack, S., & Morrison, K. (2022). Reflect & relate (6th ed.). Bedford/St. Martin's.

Malouff, J. M., Schutte, N. S., & Thorsteinsson, E. B. (2014). Trait emotional intelligence and

romantic relationship satisfaction: A meta-analysis. American Journal of Family Therapy, 42(1), 53–66. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2012.748549

Sapkota, S. P., Madai, T. B. & Pant, D. R. (2023). Contemporary Research: An

Interdisciplinary Academic Journal, vol. 6 (2); DOI: https://doi.org/10.3126/craiaj.v6i2.60258

Viezzer, S. (2023). Active Listening: Definition, Skills, & Benefits. Simply Psychology.

Retrieved from: https://www.simplypsychology.org/active-listening-definition-skills- benefits.html

Zysberg, L., Kelmer, G., & Mattar, L. (2019). Emotional intelligence, attachment and

satisfaction with romantic relationships among young adults: A brief report. Psychology, 10(5), 694-700. https://doi.org/10.4236/psych.2019.105044